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God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.
Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.
Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so.
Q: Why did the raccoon cross the road?
A: He didn't, he got hit by a car.
Dangerous and Swings
Q: What's dangerous and swings from trees?
A: A monkey with a chainsaw.
Whats Green and Red and goes 100 Miles an Hour?
A frog in a Blender.
Whats Green and Red and Brown and goes 100 Miles an Hour?
The same Frog 2 Months Later.
Duck got Grapes
A duck walks into a Bar and goes to the Bar Tender. You got Grapes. The Bar Tender goes Nope. So the Duck leves. The Duck comes back the Second Day and goes to the Bar Tender. You got Grapes. The Bar says No and the Duck Walks out of the Bar. The Duck comes back the Third Day and goes. You got Grapes. Just about this Time the Bar Tender has had Enough. So He goes to the Duck. Look Buddy this is a Bar and not a Market or Grocery Store and If you Ask Me one more Time if I have Grapes I will Staple your Beak to the Bar. So the Duck leaves Again. The Duck comes back the Forth Day and goes to the Bar Tender. Got any Staples and the Bar Tender goes Nope. So the Duck goes got any Grapes. :-)
two flies are sitting on a piece of shit; one of them farts; the other one says "hey do you mind, I'm trying to eat here"
- Why did the elephant paint his toe nails pink?
- To hide in a strawberry patch.
- Did you ever see an elephant hiding in a strawberry patch?
- See how good it works?
Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean beef.
Catching a Polar Bear
Q: How do you catch a polar bear?
A: You make a hole in the ice and line it with peas. When the bear goes in to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
I don't think it's fair -- you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. 'Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.'
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