I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It's like, 'To Tim: Nice pants! Love, Scott.'

Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?

A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?

A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing a chicken.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to satisfy and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks hideous.
FAULT: Either you haven't had enough to drink, or they've flipped on the lights for last call.

-- I'd like to get a little something in the sack.

-- Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

-- She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.

-- If you just lick it, it'll last longer.

-- Have someone check the goodies before they go into your mouth.

Every year back in Ohio, we would have yard sales on Memorial Day weekend, so it's like Mardi Gras for white trash.

I am Jewish; my girlfriend's not. She did buy me eight presents for Hanukkah, though. I was like, 'Why did you buy me eight presents for Hanukkah?' She's like, 'Eight presents, for the eight nights of Hanukkah.' I was like, 'You idiot, there's 32 nights of Hanukkah -- and I like electronics. Now, go to the mall. Religious minimum: $50 a gift.'

My new favorite holiday is Easter because I celebrated a little differently this year. I had an egg hunt -- in my womb. It was great. A lot of people came.

-- You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

-- If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

-- The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

-- You don't have to keep in touch with the person who gives you some.

-- 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

-- If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

-- It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning with pleasure.

-- You can do the whole neighborhood.

Q: What is the most confusing day in West Virginia?

A: Father's Day.