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I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It's like, 'To Tim: Nice pants! Love, Scott.'
Christmas Chimney Congestion
Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.
Easter Egg Hunt
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing a chicken.
Saint Patrick's Day Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to satisfy and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks hideous.
FAULT: Either you haven't had enough to drink, or they've flipped on the lights for last call.
Dirty Halloween Phrases
-- I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
-- Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
-- She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
-- If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
-- Have someone check the goodies before they go into your mouth.
John Caparulo: Yard Sales on Memorial Day
Every year back in Ohio, we would have yard sales on Memorial Day weekend, so it's like Mardi Gras for white trash.
Geoff Keith: Teaching My Girlfriend About Hanukkah
I am Jewish; my girlfriend's not. She did buy me eight presents for Hanukkah, though. I was like, 'Why did you buy me eight presents for Hanukkah?' She's like, 'Eight presents, for the eight nights of Hanukkah.' I was like, 'You idiot, there's 32 nights of Hanukkah -- and I like electronics. Now, go to the mall. Religious minimum: $50 a gift.'
Debbie Shea: New Easter Celebration
My new favorite holiday is Easter because I celebrated a little differently this year. I had an egg hunt -- in my womb. It was great. A lot of people came.
Why Trick-or-Treating Is Better Than Sex
-- You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
-- If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
-- The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
-- You don't have to keep in touch with the person who gives you some.
-- 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
-- If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
-- It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning with pleasure.
-- You can do the whole neighborhood.
West Virginia's Yearly Confusion
Q: What is the most confusing day in West Virginia?