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A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Mama Helps the Honeymooners
Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there.
The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens.
The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind.
He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!"
The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit -- now what?"
Like the Day We Met
My wife and I, we still look at each other like we did the day we met -- like two perfect strangers who think they could do way better.
Marriage Is an Institution
Marriage is an institution. You know, it's a commitment. And you don't get to leave an institution, especially once you're committed.
Last night, my wife and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. You know what five years is? Just long enough for me to think this one might not work out.
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?
A: He thought his wife was a flake.
Married Once Before
I was married once before, and I stopped.
My wife and I just separated not too long ago. Actually, it's a trial separation, which, as you well know, it turns out to be the separation before the trial.
Sometimes I Worry
Sometimes I worry I don't want to get married as much as I'd like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.
Marriage Like Cable TV
Marriage is like having cable with just one channel: same thing come on everyday. You see other things come on, but you can't watch it.