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A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.
The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.
The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.
Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.
The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
Q. what magic wand makes a man disappear
A. pregnancy test
Economy is so bad that...
The economy is so bad that...Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
Q: What is an organic dental floss?
A: Pubic hair.
Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in the laundry.
Q: What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
A: You can "un-screw" a light bulb.
Worth the price of crap
I was at a men's public restroom at a college and saw a sign posted above the toilet paper holder. It said---"University diplomas, please take one and spread it around!"
A burglar's worst case scenario.
A burglar cases a house and a families schedule for an entire month. He finds out on the third weekend of the month, the family leaves for an entire weekend. On that weekend, he pulls up in his van, shuts off the lights, gets out of the van and scampers up to the back door. He pulls out his lock picking tools and proceeds to pick the lock. The door creaks slightly, as he opens it. He slowly closes the door behind him.
As soon as he closes the door, he hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" He is mortified and quite jumpy, now. It's dark, as hell, and he reaches for his pen flashlight in his shirt pocket. He clicks it on and hears the voice, again. "Jesus is watching you!" He takes one step forward, shining the penlight's small beam of light around the room. He hears nothing. He takes another careful step and hears a voice, louder this time, to the left of him. "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!!" He spins to his left, towards the voice, and notices a towel floating in mid air. He grabs the towel and jerks it, quickly. He's relieved to see that it's only a parrot. He says to the bird, "Is that you talking to me?"
The parrot responds back, loudly. "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!!"
With a hefty chuckle and a true sense of relief, he says to the parrot, "What's your name?"
The parrot responds back to the burglar. "(Squawk)My name is Moses."
The burglar becomes almost giddy and comically says, under his breath, "Now, what dumb son of a b#tch named you Moses?"
As soon as he finishes his sentence, the burglar hears a faint, but very recognizable growl.
The parrot squawks and replies, "The same dumb so of a b#tch that named that Rottweiler Jesus!!"
Jack and Jill and...
Jack and Jill went up a hill to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
Two peanuts were walking down the street.....one was a salted.