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  Office Dictionary

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing who's to blame for a missed deadline or a failed project.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Ego Surfing: Googling one's own name.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Ohno Second: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a huge mistake.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Kids, Oppressive Mortgage.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Treeware: Printed documentation or paperwork.

Xerox Subsidy: Free photocopies from one's workplace.


  Hands Under Skirt

Q: What do you call a prostitute with her hands under her skirt?

A: Self-employed.


  Gonna Be a Good Day

Q: How do you know when it's going to be a good day at work?

A: When you see your boss' picture on the side of the milk carton.


  Robert Mac: Day Jobs

You know what's cool about the day job? Me either.


  Cracking the Human Resource Code

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
Most of our competitors don't pay much either.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
You'll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
Your first four projects are already way overdue.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female applicants must be childless.

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive's nephew.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
This company is a total mess.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.


  Retiring Mailman

After 35 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.

When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house hand him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate sex he has ever experienced.

When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea."


  Suggestive Professions

Doctors -- "Take off your clothes."

Dentist -- "Open wide."

Hairdressers -- "Do you want it teased or blown?"

Milkmen -- "Do you want it in front or in back?"

Interior decorators -- "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

Bankers -- "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

Police officers -- "Spread 'em."

Mailmen -- "I've got a package for you."

Pilots -- "I take off fast, but bring it in slow and steady."

Hunters -- "I love going deep in the bush."


  IT and Light Bulbs

Q: How many IT guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, that's a Facilities problem.


  Prison vs. Work

-- In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work, you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

-- In prison, you get three meals a day. At work, you get 30 minutes for a meal you buy or bring yourself.

--In prison, you get time off for good behavior. At work, good behavior is rewarded with more work.

-- In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit. At work, even personal calls are disallowed.

-- In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers. At work, you are the taxpayer.

-- In prison, everyone knows when you drop the soap. At work, everyone knows when you drop the ball.

--In prison, you spend most of your time waiting to get out from behind bars. At work, you spend most of your time waiting to go into the bars.

--In prison, there are sadistic wardens. At work, there are managers.

-- In prison, you can get shivved. At work, you get shafted.


  Written Job Application

Two young men with equal qualifications apply for the same job. In order to determine which individual to hire, the manager gives them a written test.

Both men score nine out of 10 on the test; however, the manager decides to go with the first applicant.

"Why would you do that?" asks the rejected second applicant. "We both got nine questions correct."

"Your fellow applicant wrote 'I don't know' for question five. You put down, 'Neither do I.'"



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